I will be having some trouble posting over the next couple of weeks. Yesterday my laptop died. Well, to be specific the hard drive gave out. It is amazing how sudden things like this can happen and how strangely calm I have been.
Yesterday morning I was checking my email and surfing the net. I was reading a blog and I tried to scroll down the screen. All of a sudden the screen froze and although I could hear the hard drive trying to work, nothing happened. There was a funny sound coming from the hard drive, like a marble rattling around inside. I tried ctrl+alt+del and nothing happened. I tried pushing the power button and nothing happened. I was starting to panic a little bit, mostly because I had to leave the house and go to the hairdresser. So, I just unplugged the damn thing.
On the way into Oldenburg I felt frightened. I have been known to have an anxiety attack every now and again. Close the eyes and deep breathing exercises (I was on the train - don't worry, I don't close my eyes when driving . . . most of the time). Although I calmed down, and the hairdresser took my mind off things for a while, I felt terrible spending money. I have a funny feeling that I will be buying a new computer. There is only one thing that prevented a complete freak out. Two weeks ago I backed up everything from my hard drive by burning a CD. I remember think, “I have not backed up in awhile. You never know wants going to happen. I should do that.” Boy, sometimes I think I am psychic.
When I got home last night, the German wanted to take a look. We pressed the power button. It tried to come on but after about 30 seconds we got a black screen that said, "HDD Password," and then it died. "Yup, it’s busted." Thanks for the update, sweetie. "I can fix it," he said enthusiastically. "NO!" I shouted before he could leave the room.
At this point I should mention that the German teaches computers at a vocational school, but he does not have any formal training building and repairing hard drives. This worries me. I do not want him to touch my computer. He looked very hurt and left the room without a sound. It is always a bad sign when he does not say anything.
"Sweetie, there are professionals for this kind of thing." I have a confession. I am terrified that he is going to fuck it up more, and then I will be stuck with nothing but anger, which will then become focused on him. I am no Dr. Phil, but I do not think that is very good on a marriage.
"You have to learn to trust me," was his reply. There it was. The one thing that has been most difficult for me in my 18 month old marriage: learning to trust someone. It is damn hard. The German is great at what he does, but I am afraid. My computer is essential to my work. If it becomes more screwed up, what will I do? Except use his, which is what I am doing now!
After 20 minutes of silence, we made a deal. Tomorrow we are flying back to the States to visit my family for the holidays. I will take the computer with me, and the German will buy a new hard drive and try to fix my computer. "If I cannot do it, then you can buy any new laptop that you want." "Well that is a great deal!" and I gave him a big hug. Although he was happy, he pulled quickly away and gave me a knowing look. "Within a certain price range of course," he said. Damn. He knows me too well.