Today I did the thing in the world that I hate the most. I went to the dentist. I hate the dentist. I have nothing against the profession, and most dentists that I know are pretty good people, but the sound of the drill on my teeth is like fingernails on a chalk board. I used to say that I had not been to the dentist in so long (over 3 years) because I had crappy health insurance. Well, that excuse is now gone. I had managed to make it a whole year (actually about 16 months) before my in-laws sufficiently shamed me into going. I went in December for a "check-up," and well turns out my teeth are fucked up (sorry, Grandpas).
Now, I don't want to brag, but I always thought I had pretty good teeth. They are straight and for the most part white. I have never had braces and only two fillings in my 28 years. Because I have two baby teeth still in my mouth (the adult teeth never formed, and it is not as weird as it sounds, my dentist says that it is not uncommon), I take care of my teeth. However, I am missing a tooth on the side when I cracked one of my baby teeth on a hard bagel. I was SO NOT GOING TO HAVE A ROOT CANAL ON A BABY TOOTH, so they pulled that sucker out.
In December the German dentist made me several appointments, but I was not clear why. He makes it sound like my mouth is going to fall out at any minute, but I think it is fine. However, the dentist did find a small cavity and I want to get a bridge for the big hole in my mouth. Today, I thought I was going in for the filling. WRONG.
My dentist is concerned with the discoloration between some of my front, upper teeth. Yes, I should floss more often, but I did not think things were that bad. Today he said, "We must do something now or your teeth will fall out tomorrow!" Ok, Ok, do your thing, dude. Then the dentist said something like "Blah, blah, blah und yadah und so on. Ok?" Once again, I don't like to brag, but my German is pretty good. I have spent a lot of time in Germany and the German and I speak German about 70% of the time, and I have even received compliments on my language skills. But, unfortunately, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE MAN SAID TO ME. So, as is my custom when I don't know what the hell someone is talking about, I shook my head and said, "Ok." MISTAKE.
The next thing I know, he brought a very large needle towards my mouth. I screamed. I am not exaggerating. I did. I think I scared the hell out of him. I looked at him and said in something resembling German, "I am afraid of needles. So can you explain to me again slowly exactly what you are about to do." "We are going to drill holes into your teeth to take out the brown stuff and then fill it all in with a white substance. It will protect your teeth and make them look better." Um, okay.
One hour later, I could not feel the right side of my face, but for the most part it was pretty painless. Nevertheless, my knuckles had turned white from gripping the arm rest in fear. The dentist was pretty pleased with himself and said, "That looks much better." He handed me a mirror and I swear to God, THERE WAS NO DIFFERENCE.
As I picked up my purse to go home, he said, "I will see you Monday morning and we will do the other side!" Um, okay.
The lesson of this story, dear readers, is that if someone is coming at your face with a large needle, MAKE SURE THEY SPEAK YOUR MOTHER LANGUAGE.