Sunday, March 19, 2006

These are the kinds of things that could lead to divorce

It is bound to happen even in the happiest marriages. After 20 months of happy matrimony, it happened to us. One of us had to sleep on the couch the other night . . . and it wasn't the German.

The German has caught my stuffy head cold and as a result has been snoring rather loudly the past few nights. On Thursday night I yelled at him three times to roll over. Finally at 6:00 a.m. I moved to the couch. Friday night I made him use some nose spray before he went to bed, and it was a little better. Unfortunately, last night it got worse.

At 3:oo a.m. I woke up and he was in good form. "Sweetie, you are snoring, you need to roll over."

German: Snark, Snump, Um okay.

At 4:30 a.m. I woke up and he was draped over me. Normally I find cuddling cute, but then he let a loud snort rip in my ear. "GET OFF AND ROLL OVER." At 6:00 a.m. I could not take it anymore and I moved to the living room couch. The couch is on the other side of the wall of our bed. At 7:00 a.m. (and this is no lie!) he woke me up with his snoring EVEN THOUGH HE WAS SLEEPING IN ANOTHER ROOM. I finally popped in a DVD as it was clear that I was not going to get any sleep.

The German wandered into the living room around 8:45. His head was hanging low, and he whispered, "I'm sorry." I know that he did not mean it, but when I got up to make coffee, I could barely move. My back muscles are frozen. They are protesting the couch and now I am walking around like a 90 year-old-woman.

I looked him square in the eye and said, "Tomorrow you are going to the pharmacy and getting the strongest thing they have for sinuses. Are weclear?" I am a teacher, so I have the "look" (which I give by looking over the top of my glasses) which indicates that "I-will-kick-your-ass-if-you-don't-do-what-I-say" pretty much down pat. "Yes, dear," he said while still staring at the floor.

I don't understand. Usually I don't have much trouble sleeping. I have literally slept through a hurricane (Hugo, Summerville, SC, 1988). But snoring is like nails on a chalk board for me. For good reason, I am a little worried that this may become a regular occurrence.

Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

New York, July 28, 2004

The German and I were married on July 22, 2004 in Charleston, SC. The week that followed will go down in history as the worst "honeymoon" ever. I will not detail everything that happened that week, just one incident.

As I was getting married and basically moving all my worldly possessions to a foreign country over 3000 miles away, I really wanted to just stay in SC for a week with the in-laws and fly to Germany from there. But I was over-ruled by my in-laws. Actually, my brother-in-law made an executive decision that they family could "save money" by flying from New York City. So only a few days after getting married, I piled into a van with my mother-in-law, father-in-law, husband and all my worldly possessions (my brother and sister-in-law and there two small kids were mercifully in another car), said good-bye to my mother and childhood home and made the trip from SC to NYC.

By the time we got there, many BAD things had happened. What made it worse, no one had thought to make reservations in NYC. Exhausted and ill (I got a bladder infection during the trip and had to visit a doctor in Richmond, VA) I walked into the JFK Hampton Inn and begged the front desk to give me the cheapest rate possible (I am the only one who can negotiate in English, see.) It was about $125 per night. The German looked at me and said in German, "Isn't that expensive maybe we should try somewhere else."

In my best German, "Do you want to drive around Queens in the middle of the summer looking for a hotel room? Not me! We will split a double room with your parents." That was like mistake number 40 I made that week.

That night the four of us settled in to get a few hours sleep. About two hours later, I woke up to a giant "swoosh" sound. I thought it was planes landing at the near-by airport. It turns out that it was snoring coming from the area of my in-laws bed.

The German and I laid next to each other staring at the ceiling. I stole his pillow and tried to muffle the sound, to no avail. Finally we took our pillows and blanket and went and slept on the bathroom floor. Romantic, no? To add insult to injury, my mother-in-law hit us in the head with the door during the wee hours of the morning.

. . .

Think about that story for a minute, and you can understand why I am afraid that the snoring may get out of hand. I do not want to be an angry shrew. Really, the dude has a stuffy nose. On the other hand, I am mighty grumpy. So, I am now going to take a muscle relaxer for my back and surf the internet for snoring remedies. Any ideas?


christina said...

Hi! I just found your blog at the Expat Blog site and thought I'd pop in and say hi.

I've been listening to my husband snore for almost 16 years now and I'm afraid there is no cure. You just get used to it. Sort of. :-)

Anonymous said...

So let me get this straght. You not only honeymooned with the inlaws but you also moved all of your stuff to NYC before heading over to Germany? Girl that is crazy! But if you guys can master the stress of that you are set for life.
Oh and have him try those nose clip things that reduce snoring. I think they work and are way less than a divorce attorney!