I have been grumpy and depressed and depressed and grumpy for over a week now. I think it is starting to take its toll on the German. He is at a total loss about how to improve my mood. I wish I could help him.
First, although business is doing okay, money is very tight at the moment. My mom asked me the other day if I liked being self-employed. For the most part I do. I like being able to set my own hours and pursuing the projects I find interesting. I DO NOT enjoy the fact that some of my customers take their sweet time about paying. After a few discussions with a few friends (I know a lot of self-employed people / business owners), I began to realize that this is the biggest problem we know. Unfortunately, when you work in the service industry, there is no way to repossess the knowledge gained once it has been taught. Sometimes I wish I had a magic ray gun to suck the brains out of some of my non-paying students.
Not getting paid is starting to impact my attitude during my lessons. When a student gets a bit argumentative with me, I begin to wonder, "Why am I doing this?" (For the record, I have taught 100 hours over the past 6 weeks and have been paid for 10.)
Also, the physical strain of teaching is taking its toll on my body. When I teach, I am "on." It is like performing. The energy of the teacher can impact the entire lesson, so I try to keep my energy up and positive. Try doing this for hours on end with an extra 12 pounds strapped to your stomach, which starts kicking you in the bladder when you write on the board. Not fun.
Also not fun is climbing the stairs at one company, which does not have an elevator but lessons on the fourth floor. When I emerged out of breath on Thursday, I mentioned to the receptionist that they should get an elevator. She smiled and said that I should join a fitness class. I was soooo offended. "Sometimes when you are 6 months pregnant, you have no choice. You tend to get out of breath." I later saw the receptionist smoking a cigarette at her desk. No fun at all.
Pregnancy is starting to take its toll on my body. I only wanted to gain 25 pounds. I have already gained 18 and I have 3 months to go. My doctor told me this week to lay off the cake. Let me tell you, it did nothing for my mood. So, this week instead of cake I opted for cottage cheese.
Today I did not have to teach, so I went to the hair dresser (thanks for the gift certificate, Chad!!). Usually this brightens my mood, but I just sat there feeling ugly and fat. I went and bought a skirt at H&M that I could not afford. I bought it because I have a meeting with my most important customer on Monday morning and did not want to go in one of the only two pair of pants that I have.
While I was trying on clothes, I bent over and got a look of the back of my legs in the mirror. I almost sat down and started crying. The back of my knees are unrecognizable to me. I do not consider myself a "beautiful woman," but I was always pretty proud of my legs. They were my best asset. I put on my clothes and looked in the mirror and my grumpy, depressed mood filled the room.
So, here I sit on a Friday night. The German is playing soccer to release the stress of his equally crappy week and I am working. That's right. I am preparing lessons for the class I have to teach tomorrow and editing something a professor asked me to look at. And how was your week?