I have asked myself that same question several times over that past few weeks . . .
Yes, it has been ages since I posted, and no one has died, but it has taken me longer than I thought to get back on my feet.
The first week I was home, everything was such a blur and I was so tired, that I just tried to get though it one day at a time. Then the German was off for two weeks for Easter and I was not home alone. That was lovely . . . then the German went back to work. The first few weeks of April (which is when I stopped writing) I got a little post-partum-ish.
Those days were long and seemed like they would never end. Life was a boring hum of feedings and diaper changes. All of my concentration was focused on the Dude, which was not necessarily a good thing. I started to loose contact with the outside world. Some days I would start crying and wonder if I really had gone to university for so long and worked so hard just to become a professional diaper changer. Then there were the days that I would not talk to another person except for the German. One Thursday afternoon he called at 4pm to tell me he was on his way home. I wailed into the phone, "You are the first person I have talked to all day." It was hard. I started walking up to the supermarket every day just so that I could be around people. The worst part was sometimes looking in the mirror and not knowing who I was. I would stare and think, "I am a Mom." I like to say that the Dude sent an earthquake through my reality and I still have not fully recovered.
Things have gotten better over the past few weeks. I joined a couple of Mommy-and-Me classes. The Dude likes the contact with other people, but I think I enjoy it more. I also started teaching some evening classes and gradually going out more. However, my days always end early. I put the Dude to bed around 8:30pm and I am in bed by 10pm. I usually have to get up a few times in the night to give him his pacifier and he gets a bottle at 5am, so I try to get as much sleep as possible.
Unfortunately for financial reasons, I am going to have to quit my business. I will still teach in the evenings, but child care is just too expensive to work full-time. This has also been a hard pill to swallow.
Sleep is something I obsess about most these days; even more than poop. Is he sleeping enough? Why doesn't he take regular naps? Do I keep him up too long? Seriously, the kid is 12 weeks old, I should probably give him a break and just go with the flow. Yeah . . . go with the flow . . . that was never something I was good at.
Yesterday was a pivotal moment. The Dude spent the night at his Grandparents house for the first time! Watching him drive away was hard! Then I went into the house and did not know what to do with myself. Some friends invited us out to dinner. When I actually got to the restaurant and had a glass of wine, I started to relax. However, I did call the in-laws twice to make sure that he was okay. At 11:30pm, I said to the German that I wanted to go home and get some sleep. Everyone else was moving on to the local festival. "Just half an hour," he said. We got home at 2am. We are both pretty slow moving today.
I want to go get my son. I have stopped worrying about him . . . now I miss him. I want to see his smile and smell his head (seriously, when he isn't pooping, he smells heavenly). And with a face like this, who could blame me.